By Tee Schneider
I had this really hot affair once with this guy named Chip. I know what you’re thinking but I really thought he was the one. He seemed so solid, so current. He had a good job. He made awesome pants.
These pants were super high tech. They had this moisure-wicking capacity and four-way stretch and to be honest, they just made everybody’s butt look great. Chip dedicated a lot of time to making sure we all knew how great everybody’s butt looked in his pants but he was equally big on his awesome technology. There were pages of websites and even videos dedicated to the science of his yoga pants. It was almost like brainwashing, but then again, he was into that sort of thing.
We went out for quite awhile and in the beginning everything was perfect. I loved Chip and I loved his pants. I loved them so much that I got a second and a third pair. But then I started to notice little things. Wear and tear here, pilling there, until the seams literally started letting go. Chip was cheating and it was showing in his pants.
I was sad. Breaking up is hard especially when you’re sure they were the one. It wasn’t one of those ugly breakups…not at first. That is until he turned into a total jerk. You know the type. He started drawing attention to my fat thighs, building the most expensive house in BC, making fun of Asians… Forget this guy, I’m over him. Not like I was ever gonna marry a dude named Chip anyway. RIGHT?
So I started dating again and let me tell you, I dated a LOT. Whenever I could get my hands on a pair, I would. Throw em on, get a good feel and then leave em lyin’ in a crumpled mess if they didn’t satisfy. Obviously, I didn’t bring them all home. That’s just how I roll.
It was fun for awhile but, you know how it is, there’s always that void. I wanted something more meaningful. I wanted something real. I wanted something I could count on you know?
Sooo… I’ve met someone. His name is Mark and guess what he makes pants too.
Meet my favourite yoga pants. Mark’s, (formerly Mark’s Work Wearhouse), yoga pants.
Mark is total marriage material: really down to earth, lasting power and low maintenance 😉
Mark doesn’t spend a lot of time telling me how great his technology is. He’s not one for pumpin’ his own tires. He’s just got a great package and he satisfies.
100 Wash guarantee against fading, shrinking and pilling.
Easy to care for, these versatile pants go straight into the washer and dryer.
Check. In addition:
- they do as much for my rear as Chip’s pants ever did
- like Chips pants they come in multiple fits to flatter (i prefer low waist, flared bottom)
- they feature flat seams just like Chip’s pants did
- unlike Chip’s pants they are all black or all grey (no annoying color stripe to match)
- Like Chip, Mark is Canadian
- Mark participates in an Ethical Sourcing Program, Chip participates in Landmark Education
- Unlike Chip’s Mark’s pants actually cover my butt
- Chip’s pants cost $98 and Mark’s pants cost $39.99
Let’s refer to this infographic, I think it might help:
Why would I even consider climbing back into Chip’s pants? Besides, he doesn’t even make pants anymore. He’s moved on, and so have I.
Who’s yoga pants are you getting into these days. I’d love to know. Send me your confessional.
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